What to do, what to do??? I have legal guardianship of one of my girls. I would love to adopt her but at 14 she is old enough to decide. She wants to live here with us but she chooses to stay legally in her bio family. I understand. She was never abused or neglected and her parents love her but they are addicts and while they clean up for a while they always seem to fall off the wagon. She has 3 sisters and one brother. One sister is an adult, married, kids and has a normal life. One is an adult, no kids, married but not very responsible. And the third sister just turned 19 and gave birth to a premie baby girl about 2 weeks ago. The baby was on life support, the mother is an addict. They live out of state. I called the department of children's services and with the help of her own family was able to give some info to the state so they could check on the welfare of the infant. My girl wants me to raise this baby. She knows I will be the only one to love her like my own no matter what and she wants this baby to be safe, fed, cared for, to have a stable enviroment. So do I. But I already have 8 kids at home, the state of Indiana will not allow me to adopt her. My girl is begging me please don't let her go to strangers! What to do?? What to do?? I could take guardianship of this baby as well if the parents agree would to it. But would they agree to it? The father is married I think he would, the mother? I don't think so. What to do??? What to Do??? I am nearing 53 years of age. I already have 10 kids. My youngest is only nearing 2. My oldest is 33. What to do???? What to do????
I want this baby. But I think I will try to find her a more suitable home with younger parents first. That's what I am going to do. Wish me luck!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
What?? You mean there isn't an instant fix? You mean after all these years of working with her disorders there are no cures? My balloon just POPPED! Sigh...where do we go from here.....tears.....
Yes, I was devasted, how much longer could I endure this child's behaviors and not lose my mind. Or worse continue losing what few friends and family members we have left. So I set and listened as the therapist explained what was going to happen in order to get her heading in the right direction. And the 3 times per week sessions began and at first they went well. My daughter was getting a ton of attention, she could tell all kinds of stories, blame me, make me look like a parental monster. At the end of every session the therapist we would discuss what my daughter would need to do as in remember to take a shower without arguing or back talking when asked. One month went by and she would have a couple of good days and then return to her old ways. The therapist got more determined, she got tougher, she got her. Another month went by and things were getting worse. And then the therapist got mad. Yep, she got mad. She called my daughter out and "drilled" her and until she was at the breaking point and then it happened. "You are just like my mother!! Always making me do things I don't want to! Always saying it is my fault! You are supposed to be mad at her not me!! It's her fault not mine!! Why are you blaming me!! I thought you liked me! I will just run away and no body will get to tell me what to do!!", she screamed. Her therapists replied, " I am NOT your mother, I am your therapist. I will tell you it is your fault for making poor choices because you have shown me you know how to make good choices when it benefits your plan and if you choose to runaway I will call the police to go out to find you and you will return you to the hospital." "But I didn't choose her to be my mother and it's not fair!", she screamed again. "I understand", the therapist told her, "but you couldn't have asked for a better mom for a girl like you. She loves you and I know you love her too." We left that day with a better idea of our relation boundaries and knew we would have to wait it out to see if my daughter would accept it or refuse to come aboard. It seemed to work. YAY!! After another month her visits went to twice a week and then weekly. Now things still happened, poor choices were made but now there was no screaming, apologies were made. Then finally we made it to the one month visits! After 6 months of intense therapy following a hospital stay I felt like we were making progress. My daughter still had the same poor behaviors and boundaries but accepted when I called her out on them. All was glorious right? Wrong. She began to slide. Down the slippery slope she went and there was no stopping her. What did it? Cleaning her room and her poor hygiene. I refuse to let her out of her room, except meals, until her room was cleaned. I had errands to run so I told her I wanted her room cleaned and her shower taken by the time I got home. Instead she chose to run away. Again. And she took her therapist and me at our words to call the police if she ran away by walking the 10 miles to the police station and report herself as a runaway!! Yes. She. Did.
To be continued...again.....
Yes, I was devasted, how much longer could I endure this child's behaviors and not lose my mind. Or worse continue losing what few friends and family members we have left. So I set and listened as the therapist explained what was going to happen in order to get her heading in the right direction. And the 3 times per week sessions began and at first they went well. My daughter was getting a ton of attention, she could tell all kinds of stories, blame me, make me look like a parental monster. At the end of every session the therapist we would discuss what my daughter would need to do as in remember to take a shower without arguing or back talking when asked. One month went by and she would have a couple of good days and then return to her old ways. The therapist got more determined, she got tougher, she got her. Another month went by and things were getting worse. And then the therapist got mad. Yep, she got mad. She called my daughter out and "drilled" her and until she was at the breaking point and then it happened. "You are just like my mother!! Always making me do things I don't want to! Always saying it is my fault! You are supposed to be mad at her not me!! It's her fault not mine!! Why are you blaming me!! I thought you liked me! I will just run away and no body will get to tell me what to do!!", she screamed. Her therapists replied, " I am NOT your mother, I am your therapist. I will tell you it is your fault for making poor choices because you have shown me you know how to make good choices when it benefits your plan and if you choose to runaway I will call the police to go out to find you and you will return you to the hospital." "But I didn't choose her to be my mother and it's not fair!", she screamed again. "I understand", the therapist told her, "but you couldn't have asked for a better mom for a girl like you. She loves you and I know you love her too." We left that day with a better idea of our relation boundaries and knew we would have to wait it out to see if my daughter would accept it or refuse to come aboard. It seemed to work. YAY!! After another month her visits went to twice a week and then weekly. Now things still happened, poor choices were made but now there was no screaming, apologies were made. Then finally we made it to the one month visits! After 6 months of intense therapy following a hospital stay I felt like we were making progress. My daughter still had the same poor behaviors and boundaries but accepted when I called her out on them. All was glorious right? Wrong. She began to slide. Down the slippery slope she went and there was no stopping her. What did it? Cleaning her room and her poor hygiene. I refuse to let her out of her room, except meals, until her room was cleaned. I had errands to run so I told her I wanted her room cleaned and her shower taken by the time I got home. Instead she chose to run away. Again. And she took her therapist and me at our words to call the police if she ran away by walking the 10 miles to the police station and report herself as a runaway!! Yes. She. Did.
To be continued...again.....
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
It has been pretty tough around here for more than a week. My 14 year old daughter that has RAD, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, Emotional Disorder, Behavioral Disorder, PTSD has been on the rampage? On my last nerve? Acting out? Puberty? Drama Queen? Attention seeking? Angry? Hateful? Defiant? Really the whole brew of possibilities thrown together along with the normal teenager attitude!!!!!! I am beginning to think we may have to add Bi-Polar to her long list of issues this poor girl has. It is very tough to be a parent to a child like her. It makes you question your parenting skills, your emotional value and if your are destroying the few "normal" children you have. I have seen some of them seeking attention using the same poor choices as their older sister and it breaks my heart.
I had been homeschooling her for a couple of years due to her inability to seperate reality and maintain appropriate boundaries. It was very hard keeping her home 24/7 never being apart, being combative nearly everyday to complete work. She began to run away if I grounded her, if I took away a priviledge, if I became upset over her poor choices, if I sided with one of her siblings, when she got caught hoarding food, when I told her she had to clean her room....you get the drift.
It got so bad that she finally began making claims of hurting herself and actually began digging into her arms and neck with her fingernails. We had to admit her to the hospital for what we thought would be a couple of days. Or so they said. On the 8th day we were finally allowed to come and get her and had to go directly to a new therapist. So off to the therapist we go. Well that opened a whole new pandora's box! The RAD really set me up to take a pounding as her parent but was I lucky. This Therapist GOT IT!!! She really understood this type of RAD, she knew how to get into my daughter's world and began making her feel the repercussion of her actions!! HOORAY!! After 6 years and multiple therapist I finally found one that can help!!
To be continued......
I had been homeschooling her for a couple of years due to her inability to seperate reality and maintain appropriate boundaries. It was very hard keeping her home 24/7 never being apart, being combative nearly everyday to complete work. She began to run away if I grounded her, if I took away a priviledge, if I became upset over her poor choices, if I sided with one of her siblings, when she got caught hoarding food, when I told her she had to clean her room....you get the drift.
It got so bad that she finally began making claims of hurting herself and actually began digging into her arms and neck with her fingernails. We had to admit her to the hospital for what we thought would be a couple of days. Or so they said. On the 8th day we were finally allowed to come and get her and had to go directly to a new therapist. So off to the therapist we go. Well that opened a whole new pandora's box! The RAD really set me up to take a pounding as her parent but was I lucky. This Therapist GOT IT!!! She really understood this type of RAD, she knew how to get into my daughter's world and began making her feel the repercussion of her actions!! HOORAY!! After 6 years and multiple therapist I finally found one that can help!!
To be continued......
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
I mentioned in my last post that 4 of my children have ADHD. I also have 4 children that suffer from RAD. Reactive Attachemt Disorder. Yes, it deserves a sentence all to itself. RAD is usually caused by not getting enough nurturing from another human being in the early stages of life. RAD effects mostly orphans and can show signs early on. The longer a child goes wothout nurturing the more severe the disorder can be. My 4 children have varying degrees of RAD from the milder form to a severe form. Can they be completely healed? Probably not. 2 of my children are on the milder side and are both boys. Neither one likes to be hugged and definitely not kissed. It makes them very uncomfortable and they will pull away if you even get to close.
I'm going to tell you about my kids one at a time so you can begin to see what a "momma's life" is like with 10 kids, more than half with special needs.
Of course it would be easier to go in chronological order but I think I should go with whatever child is currently on my mind so I can capture them with more emotion and conscience. So I will start with Mathew. Mathew came to live with us at the age of 3 yrs and 2 months. He was a foster child and 4 siblings. 3 of those siblings came with him while the bio mom was able to keep the 5th one an infant.
Mathew had been in foster care most of his life. He was moved around in the system and had been in 4 foster homes by the time he arrived. He had been labled as Autistic, Broad Spectrum and possibly more and Failure to Thrive. So not only had this baby not been nurtured by his birth mother but not any of his foster mother's either. Sad indeed. Mathew weighed only 24 lbs, was not able to walk, talk and of course not potty trained. But what was the most difficult thing about him was his refusal to eat. It is almost as though the child wanted to die. He had mentally give up living by the age of 3. Mathew also had another problem, anger. Not the outwardly kind no his anger was buried way deep inside and came out in unusual ways. Ways that even suprised me a season foster parent.
He had mastered control of his bowels and not in a good way. He would hold his bowels until you would have him do something he really didn't like. One of those things was to go outside. I think he most likely never went out unless in a car somewhere. To put him in the yard to play or watch others play would cause his to let go of his bowels and I don't mean a normal amount. This kid could poop litterally a bucket full!! Our pediatrician didn't believe one tiny kid could hold that much, until she saw. So that is when his ped decided to clean him out somthat there was nothing left to control. Needless to say that is not one of my shining moments as a parent. We were literally up to our elbows in poooooooo!! We did enema after enema because even laxatives didn't get him to release control. Amazing I know.
The other thing was his food. Remember I said he refused to eat. He would have died if we hadn't made him eat and I mean made him. He was basically anorexic at 3. We would have to force his mouth open just to get a small bite of soft food, like yogurt or jello and he would gag and spit it out. It took weeks of doing this before he would quick spitting it out. He then went into the holding pattern we called it. When we learned it didn't matter what type of food we fed him he would still gag and spit it out we went to a more solid good like baked potatoes, peas, corn and so on. Still easy to eat foods. Well he held them in his mouth. For days. Sometimes one day before finally spitting it out and sometimes 4 days before spitting it out. No joking. He would still drink even with a mouth full of food. Infact the only reason he survived was because he drank protein/calcium/vitamin drinks. It took nearly 6 months to get him to start eating and swallowing food. A year before he was eating almost normally and about that same time he had mastered walking and was nearly potty trained. He was still way behind in his verbal skills and pronunciations but was making progress.
Now lets fast forward to today. Mathew is soon to be 10 years old. Mathew is not Austistic!!! YAY! However he has a low range IQ and is in both main streamed and special ed classes. He not only walks but runs like the wind!! He rides a bike, plays ball, eats normal, is on target with his math but really struggles to read and understand concepts. Thoughts still get jumbled in his head and has difficulty saying the right word for what he means. He may want to tell you something about a rug but he will say things like, "You know the cloth thing you put on the floor." He is easily embarrased when he can't say want he wants or when it comes out wrong and will have a flash of anger out of frustration. He is still emotionally immature and is quick to anger when things don't go his way. BUT he tries so hard to make he proud of him which I am. While he may not be able to show me his feelings through touch (because he has RAD) he shows me through his actions.
My son has who was this frail, lifeless human being has grown into a beautiful little boy. His smile is winning and his eyes melt yyour heart. I do not know what his future holds but he is so much better off then he was the day he arrived and so am I.
I'm going to tell you about my kids one at a time so you can begin to see what a "momma's life" is like with 10 kids, more than half with special needs.
Of course it would be easier to go in chronological order but I think I should go with whatever child is currently on my mind so I can capture them with more emotion and conscience. So I will start with Mathew. Mathew came to live with us at the age of 3 yrs and 2 months. He was a foster child and 4 siblings. 3 of those siblings came with him while the bio mom was able to keep the 5th one an infant.
Mathew had been in foster care most of his life. He was moved around in the system and had been in 4 foster homes by the time he arrived. He had been labled as Autistic, Broad Spectrum and possibly more and Failure to Thrive. So not only had this baby not been nurtured by his birth mother but not any of his foster mother's either. Sad indeed. Mathew weighed only 24 lbs, was not able to walk, talk and of course not potty trained. But what was the most difficult thing about him was his refusal to eat. It is almost as though the child wanted to die. He had mentally give up living by the age of 3. Mathew also had another problem, anger. Not the outwardly kind no his anger was buried way deep inside and came out in unusual ways. Ways that even suprised me a season foster parent.
He had mastered control of his bowels and not in a good way. He would hold his bowels until you would have him do something he really didn't like. One of those things was to go outside. I think he most likely never went out unless in a car somewhere. To put him in the yard to play or watch others play would cause his to let go of his bowels and I don't mean a normal amount. This kid could poop litterally a bucket full!! Our pediatrician didn't believe one tiny kid could hold that much, until she saw. So that is when his ped decided to clean him out somthat there was nothing left to control. Needless to say that is not one of my shining moments as a parent. We were literally up to our elbows in poooooooo!! We did enema after enema because even laxatives didn't get him to release control. Amazing I know.
The other thing was his food. Remember I said he refused to eat. He would have died if we hadn't made him eat and I mean made him. He was basically anorexic at 3. We would have to force his mouth open just to get a small bite of soft food, like yogurt or jello and he would gag and spit it out. It took weeks of doing this before he would quick spitting it out. He then went into the holding pattern we called it. When we learned it didn't matter what type of food we fed him he would still gag and spit it out we went to a more solid good like baked potatoes, peas, corn and so on. Still easy to eat foods. Well he held them in his mouth. For days. Sometimes one day before finally spitting it out and sometimes 4 days before spitting it out. No joking. He would still drink even with a mouth full of food. Infact the only reason he survived was because he drank protein/calcium/vitamin drinks. It took nearly 6 months to get him to start eating and swallowing food. A year before he was eating almost normally and about that same time he had mastered walking and was nearly potty trained. He was still way behind in his verbal skills and pronunciations but was making progress.
Now lets fast forward to today. Mathew is soon to be 10 years old. Mathew is not Austistic!!! YAY! However he has a low range IQ and is in both main streamed and special ed classes. He not only walks but runs like the wind!! He rides a bike, plays ball, eats normal, is on target with his math but really struggles to read and understand concepts. Thoughts still get jumbled in his head and has difficulty saying the right word for what he means. He may want to tell you something about a rug but he will say things like, "You know the cloth thing you put on the floor." He is easily embarrased when he can't say want he wants or when it comes out wrong and will have a flash of anger out of frustration. He is still emotionally immature and is quick to anger when things don't go his way. BUT he tries so hard to make he proud of him which I am. While he may not be able to show me his feelings through touch (because he has RAD) he shows me through his actions.
My son has who was this frail, lifeless human being has grown into a beautiful little boy. His smile is winning and his eyes melt yyour heart. I do not know what his future holds but he is so much better off then he was the day he arrived and so am I.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Where to begin...hmmm...How about it is 10:00pm and all but one are sound asleep. My 10 yr. old is fighting it something fierce and is full of excuses. What it really boils down to is I forgot to remind her to take off her "patch" that she wears to help control her ADHD. Luckily she is homeschooled and can sleep in tomorrow.
Out of my 10 children 4 have ADHD and several of them have a long line of intials attached to both their physical and mental health statuts. Most people know what the ADHD abbreviation means but for those who might not (yes, some people have the good luck of being able to live in a glass bubble), Attention Deficit Hyperativity Disorder. What does it mean?? Mostly that someone can not stay focused even for a minute on anything, not even if it is something they love.
Now what most people do not know is there are varying depths of this disorder. One of mine is relatively mild with the attention part aspect, is impulsive and has trouble controlling her outburst. Another is strictly attention and impulsivity but very little hyperactivity. Another is a "wall bouncer" and yes I mean that literally! That child never sleeps, is impulsive, has NO focus ability, is on hyper alert status 27/7, known to hit others just because and yes it wll wear you down! And my last child with ADHD is more of the "normal" type. Struggles to focus and tends to be fidgity, easily agitated.
Sometimes I think if the public school system would learn how to educate these children without medication they would be better off. If I had the choice I would take all my children off the meds. They already blame their behavior on their medications which is so detrimental to a child's mental health. I always remind them that they still have to learn to control themselves and not count on the medication to always be there. Of course that would mean I would have to be medicated to survive them all!! Oh, the choices!!!
Out of my 10 children 4 have ADHD and several of them have a long line of intials attached to both their physical and mental health statuts. Most people know what the ADHD abbreviation means but for those who might not (yes, some people have the good luck of being able to live in a glass bubble), Attention Deficit Hyperativity Disorder. What does it mean?? Mostly that someone can not stay focused even for a minute on anything, not even if it is something they love.
Now what most people do not know is there are varying depths of this disorder. One of mine is relatively mild with the attention part aspect, is impulsive and has trouble controlling her outburst. Another is strictly attention and impulsivity but very little hyperactivity. Another is a "wall bouncer" and yes I mean that literally! That child never sleeps, is impulsive, has NO focus ability, is on hyper alert status 27/7, known to hit others just because and yes it wll wear you down! And my last child with ADHD is more of the "normal" type. Struggles to focus and tends to be fidgity, easily agitated.
Sometimes I think if the public school system would learn how to educate these children without medication they would be better off. If I had the choice I would take all my children off the meds. They already blame their behavior on their medications which is so detrimental to a child's mental health. I always remind them that they still have to learn to control themselves and not count on the medication to always be there. Of course that would mean I would have to be medicated to survive them all!! Oh, the choices!!!
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